The nature of lesbian sexual relationships: 'lesbian bed death' and other myths

The 'common knowledge' about lesbian relationships

In 1983, the highly regarded book American Couples (Blumstein & Schwartz) compared heterosexual married, heterosexual cohabitating, gay male, and lesbian relationships and found lesbian couples to have the least frequent sexual contact. Other work written from a clinical perspective also noted the existence of lesbian couples who had little or no genital contact (Hall, 1984; Loulan, 1984; Nichols, 1987). By the end of the 1980's the term 'lesbian bed death' was in common usage in the gay community and eventually became part of a stereotype: the lesbian as a sensual-but-not-sexual woman. Two explanations were often given for this phenomenon; internalized shame associated with homophobia, and the 'unmitigated female sexuality' of a two women together, i.e., a union in which both partners had relatively low sex drive, low sexual assertiveness, and a high degree of intimacy (Nichols, 1988,1990). Both lesbian and gay male relationships are often viewed as being shorter than heterosexual relationships, although Blumberg and Schwartz made it quite clear that in their study that longevity was related to legal marital status far more than sexual orientation, i.e., cohabitating heterosexual couples have relationships as short as gay and lesbian couples, and heterosexual married couples stay together significantly longer than any other type of partnership.

In recent years, some sexologists have criticized mainstream sexual theory as being phallocentric and heterosexist (Kaschak and Tiefer, 2001, Kleinplatz, 2001, Rothblum and Brehony, 1993). They have argued against the traditional definition of sex as genital contact directed towards orgasm and suggested an expansion to include mutual, sensual physical contact not focused on orgasm. Others have questioned using sexual frequency as an indicator of sexual health. For example, some studies have shown that lesbians spend more time on the average sexual encounter than do heterosexuals; using the measure of time spent on sex rather than sexual frequency, lesbians might be 'healthier' than their straight counterparts (Iasenza, 2002). Still others (Cole, 1993) contend that sex is not necessary for healthy relationship function. In particular, lesbian relationships, which some view as more egalitarian and intimate than the average heterosexual marriage (Schwartz, 1994) may not 'need' genital sex for connection - sex may be in effect, 'redundant.' From this point of view, sex therapy for a non-genitally sexual lesbian couple might include encouraging them to question why they feel a need to be sexual.

Some lesbian psychotherapists argue that 'lesbian bed death' is a myth based on insufficient data. Matthews et al (2003) found no differences in sexual frequency rates of heterosexual versus lesbian women. And Iazenza (1991) found lesbians to be more sexually arousable and more sexually assertive than heterosexual women.

Meanwhile, the lesbian community itself has become more sexual in the last two decades (Nichols, 2000; Bolonik, 2004). Lesbian-owned and oriented erotica magazines, sex toy stores, and erotic video companies have proliferated. Lesbian clubs like Meow Mix in New York advertise "Pussy Galore" and "I Love Pussy" nights and brag about the 'action' in the bathrooms. Lesbian 'kink' organizations exist in most major U.S. cities and polyamory is becoming more common as well (Munson & Stelbourn, 1999).

Results of IPG internet study

Data from this study of 231 self-identified lesbians, 152 bisexual women, and 132 heterosexual women were analyzed two ways: by self-identified orientation and, for women currently in relationships, by whether the participant was involved with a woman or a man. First, like Blumberg and Schwartz(1983) we found lesbian relationships to be of shorter duration than heterosexual relationships - four years average compared to eight years (p<.000), but this difference disappeared when we compared only unmarried women. Looking at both single and coupled women, lesbians had less sex in the year preceding the survey (p<.02) but did not differ from heterosexual women in their frequency of masturbation or how often they thought about sex.

Our primary analyses compared women in relationships with other women versus women with men. Overall, women with men had slightly more frequent sex than women with other women(p<.02) and this difference was independent of length of time in relationship. The presence of children was not a factor; there was no difference in the number of children living with women with women (ww's) versus women with men (wm's). There was no difference between the groups in the percentage of women who never had sex, however, thus casting suspicion on the concept that lesbians are more likely to have totally nonsexual relationships.

Looking at other aspects of sexuality, the ww's spent more time on sex (p<.000), had more non-penis oriented sexual acts as part of their typical repertoire (p<.001), and were less likely to have sex because their partner wanted it (p<.001). Most significantly, ww's were more likely to have orgasms during sex with their partner than were wm's regardless of marital status or length of relationship(p<.001). And the tendency to orgasm during partner sex was not at all related to the length of time the partners had been together, but was strongly related to the amount of time spent on sex for both women with women and women with men (p<.000). We found that the typical sex acts associated with orgasm for women (regardless of gender of partner) were kissing (p<.000), non-genital touching (.006),receiving oral sex (p<.000), digital-vaginal stimulation (.001), and the use of sex toys (p<.004). And of these acts, kissing (p<.000), non-genital touching (p<.01), digital-vaginal stimulation (p,.000) and use of toys (.000) were more likely to be practiced by women with other women than by women with men.

Lesbian relationships revisited

If we incorporate new information about the lesbian community with the results of more recent research and theory about female sexuality, the picture is more complex than the old stereotype portrays. First, we see increased support for the idea that legal marriage is related to longevity of relationship, for better or worse. Second, while it may be true that women in lesbian relationships have somewhat less sex than their heterosexual counterparts, it is by no means true that the typical lesbian relationship becomes asexual. Women in relationships with other women are less likely to have sex because their partner wants it, which may account for part of the difference in sexual frequency. Furthermore, there is evidence to suggest that lesbian sexuality is 'better' for women: it lasts longer, is more varied, includes more sex acts likely to lead to orgasm for women, and is in fact more correlated with orgasm. Indeed, if one measured sex not by frequency but, say, by Kinsey's original standard - sexual contact to the point of orgasm - women with other women have more sex than women with men, and are more likely to have that sex of their own volition.

Assimilating this information can radically change the professional's paradigm of sexual relationship health. Perhaps we should stop asking so much about sexual frequency, and instead ask more about female orgasm and pleasure, about quality versus quantity.

Lesbian sexual dysfunction

There is little non-clinical data on the nature of lesbian sexual dysfunction as compared to that of heterosexual women. Clinical data suggests that sexual desire discrepancy between partners and/or low sexual desire is the most common problem lesbians face, as it is with heterosexual women (Loulan, 1987; Nichols, 1995). For the IPG internet study, we looked at both self-identified lesbians versus heterosexuals as well as women currently in relationships with other women versus women with men, and found that both analyses showed lesbians/women with women reporting fewer sexual problems than heterosexuals or women with men (p<.002, p<.001).

Figure 2 shows percentages of the overall sample, lesbians, and heterosexual women as they reported sexual dysfunction, and for which problems there was a significant difference between the two groups. Figure 3 shows the same data broken down for women in relationships with other women versus women with men. Not surprisingly, lack of interest in sex and/or having less desire than one's partner were the most frequently reported problems for all women, followed by problems with orgasm, problems experiencing more desire than one's partner, trouble lubricating and anxiety about sex. Many of the differences between groups were significant, and only one problem - feeling more desire than one's partner - was reported more frequently for lesbians/women with women, although not at a statistically significant level.

If lesbians have fewer sexual problems than heterosexual women, and only slightly less sex, how then can we account for clinical accounts of lesbian bed death? Several possibilities exist. First, it is possible that greater social acceptance of homosexuality over the last two decades has made lesbians feel less internalized shame and homophobia and therefore less self-imposed sexual repression - note that in the IPG sample fewer lesbians than heterosexual women felt guilty about sex. In other words, lesbian bed death may have been more common twenty years ago than it is now. Another explanation may lie in the high percentage of lesbians who participate in psychotherapy - clinicians may see a disproportionate amount of lesbian couples with sex problems, and lack of interest in sex is by far the most common sexual complaint of all women.

Summary and conclusions

The sexual health professional who works with lesbian clients is rewarded with an broadened and enriched perspective on female sexuality in general. The provider must, as with all minority groups, be sensitive to and respect cultural differences in sexual expression. When one practices within the lesbian community, he or she must be comfortable with patients' sexual fluidity both in behavior and self-identification, as well as with a broader range of gender identity. STI's are less common among lesbians, and sexual dysfunction may be less common as well, although lesbians are highly likely to seek counseling when they do have problems.

Most importantly, the sexual behavior of women with other women is different from that of women with men, and probably more consonant with the attainment of female orgasm. Although lesbian couples appear to have sex less frequently than their heterosexual counterparts, they have sex because both partners want to, they spend more time on sex, include more non-genital, non penis-oriented acts, and their sexual activity more frequently results in orgasm for both partners. Indeed, when questioning not only lesbians but heterosexual women about their sexual practices, the practitioner might do well to focus more closely on female sexual pleasure, and to consider quantity of sex less important than quality.

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Figure 1: Sexually transmitted infections/conditions: women who responded "yes" to "ever had this condition/infection?" Lesbian/bisexual/hetero women contrastedIPG Internet study: 231 lesbian, 152 bisexual women, 132 heterosexual women * significant at p<.01

Figure 2: Sexual problems: women who responded 'yes' to "ever had this sexual problem more than occasionally?" Lesbians versus heterosexual women

IPG Internet Study: 231 lesbians, 132 heterosexual women (bisexuals excluded)

Figure3: Sexual problems: women who responded "yes" to "ever had this sexual problem more than occasionally?" Women currently in relationships with women versus women in relationships with men

IPG Internet study: 205 women with women; 179 women with men