Enhancement of Sexuality

Just as the line between dysfunction and preference is blurred in the area of sexuality, so is the line between sex therapy and sexual enhancement. I believe that not only is it a legitimate function for sex therapists to serve as sexual enhancers for lesbians, particularly those in long-term relationships, but I also think it is a necessary function. If, as I believe, problems with sexuality are a leading cause of deterioration of lesbian relationships, it is critical that as therapists we play a role helping gay women renew and revive flagging sexuality.

It seems clear at this point, both from the work of sex researchers and from common experience, that few couples sustain the height of sexual passion that is the hallmark of the initial limerance phase of a relationship." It may be one of the great paradoxes of relationships, in fact, that the more one loves and is comfortable with one's partner, the less automatic and jolting is sexual desire. Gay men compensate for this loss of lust in the primary relationship by tricking: casual or anonymous sex with outside partners that serves as a sexual outlet but theoretically does not threaten the committed relationship. Lesbians, more than any other kind of couple, seem to suffer from the loss of limerance: Their frequency of sex becomes lowest of all couples, and if they do turn to outside sex, it is usually an affair rather than tricking, and usually that can have negative effects upon the primary relationship. What are we to do about this situation? It appears to me that lesbian couples need to turn more energy to enhancing and revitalizing sex within the primary relationship.

Of course an alternative to this is for lesbians to learn to trick. This seems in theory a fine idea to me, but I think it may take several new generations of lesbians to make it work. I know few women who really are turned on by casual sex, fewer still who can keep the sexual relationship really casual. Tricking, anonymous sex, fuck buddies—all concepts indulged in by gay men for years (at least until AIDS became a threat)—all seem like lovely ideas to me, but impractical, at least for the majority of lesbians at the current time.

It is more realistic for us to develop methods of enhancing sexuality within our primary relationships. Here we can borrow methods from heterosexual couples (through the literature on sexual enhancement within the sexology field) and from gay men. Briefly, I see three key elements: time, build-up, and variety. Time is the difficulty I encounter most frequently. Our culture promotes the concept of instant sexual turn-on. Most of us assume that sexual desire comes automatically in a relationship: Just as one gets hungry automatically, signaling a time to eat, so will we become lustful automatically, signaling an opportunity to have sex. In the limerance phase of a new relationship, this seems to be so. But, unfortunately, in an ongoing relationship sexual desire is usually not so automatic, nor is it so capable of conquering and overcoming fatigue, tension, or normal preoccupation with everyday affairs. And yet the typical couple assumes their sexuality will continue to function in an automatic fashion, and they consign the role of sexuality in the relationship to something that should occur, without planning, attention, or forethought, at the end of the day just before falling asleep. For most long-term couples, this method of handling sexuality is ineffective.

We pay less attention to our sex lives than we do to maintaining friendships, to planning meals, to physical exercise. It goes against the grain of all we have learned and all our cultural expectations to place this kind of priority upon sex, and it is particularly grating to us to plan for sex; it feels mechanical to us. But our sex lives suffer from the myth of spontaneity. As I mentioned earlier, I find one of the most positive benefits of assigning the sensate focus exercises to dysfunctional couples is that it forces them to set aside time to be alone without distractions, in a sensuous, physical way. Many couples will need to develop this concept of planned time alone together in order to preserve or bolster a faltering sex life.

Related to this concept of time is the idea of build-up. Just as desire between two people who have been together for some time is not automatic, it is also not so easy in a long-term relationship to move from one state of consciousness, the one in which we conduct our everyday lives, to the state of consciousness in which we can feel physically relaxed, sensual, passionate. Most people, when not in a state of limerance or another high arousal state, need decompression time, and many women need build-up time. In other words, most of us need a transition period, a time when we take a bath, sit quietly and listen to music, have a glass of wine, and so on, so as to move from the attentional state required for work or taking care of daily business to a sexual state. And many women, in particular, need also to "simmer" sexually long before they actually become sexual: to think about sex during the day, have fantasies, anticipate pleasure and excitement, to build up their sexual desire before the actual encounter with the lover. I have found one of the strongest correlates of strength of sexual desire in women to be the frequency with which they think about sex. Very sexual women tend to think about or fantasize sexually many times during the day, and they tend to assess newly met people almost automatically on a sexual level. In other words, they view the world in more sexual terms, and they keep sex more in the forefront of their minds: They "simmer" themselves. Other ways for couples to build up tension and sexual excitement are to make sexual jokes or innuendos with each other, to touch each other sexually frequently even when there is no chance of continuing the touch to a sexual liaison, to talk about sex with each other frequently, and so on. This can help also to develop a sense of sex as play. Many women may think of sex as intimacy, sharing, or in other similar, serious ways; few women see sex as play, fun, and lightness. Developing a sense of sex as play is crucial if women are to participate in the third method of enhancing sex: increasing variety.

Michel Foucault said, in one of the last interviews before he died, "for centuries people have always spoken about desire, and never about pleasure.’We have to liberate our desire,' they say. No! We have to create new pleasure. And then maybe desire will follow." It will be helpful to many lesbian couples to spend some energy introducing new pleasure, variety, and innovation in a playful way into their sex lives.

This can include the use of toys or props, everything from dildos and vibrators, lotions, and ice cubes, to cucumbers, feathers, silk scarves, to wrist and ankle cuffs and paddles. It can also include the use of mood-enhancers like music, candles, lighting, romantic dinners or settings. It can include dress-up, new places, or atmospheres. Variety might mean introducing simple or elaborate fantasies, simply recounted to each other or acted out: One couple told me they acted out a fantasy in vivo of meeting in a bar as though they were strangers. Written or visual erotica can help many couples enhance their sex lives: stories told to each other, "talking dirty" to each other, and so on. Some couples will want to develop and entourage fetishes: the playful use of leather, rubber, articles of clothing. Others will find it exciting to experiment with less usual, kinky techniques such as S/M, bondage, use of urine, and so on. It is not important whether the variety introduced is very innovative, creative, or far out, only whether it is novel to the couple. It may even be less important whether the innovation works than that the couple tried it: Many an experiment with a new technique or toy has resulted in both partners dissolving into laughter at the absurdity of what they are trying and then proceeding to have wonderful sex together. In some ways, what I am saying about sexual enhancement all amounts to the same thing: Making sex more rewarding for ongoing couples means making sex more of a priority, and making sex more of a priority means thinking about it more, talking about it more, and setting aside more sensual, physical time together.

In some ways, lesbian sexuality needs to get more "male" in its orientation, with more emphasis on sex itself and perhaps less on romance. Trends in the lesbian community suggest that this is happening, and I see these trends as, on the whole, extremely healthy.

The therapist working with lesbians on their sexuality, whether to help solve sexual problems or to enhance a stagnant sexual relationship, plays a role not only with her or his clients, but also within the community at large. If our attitudes are sex-positive, sex-expanding, and playful, we model for the community a vision toward which we all can strive.

NOTES

1. Nancy Todor, "Sexual Problems of Lesbians," in Our Right to Love: Lesbian Resource Book, ed. Ginny Vida (Englewood Cliffs, N.J.; Prentice-Hall 1978).

2. Margaret Nichols, "The Treatment of Inhibited Sexual Desire (ISD) in Lesbian Couples," Women and Therapy I (Winter 1982); 49-66; JoAnn Loulan, Lesbian Sex (San Francisco: Spinster's Ink, 1985); Gail Kaplow, "Making Sex Better, a Therapist's Thoughts," Sojourner 10 (Aug. 1985).

3. Ann Snitow, Christine Stansell, and Sandra Thompson, eds.. Powers of Desire: The Politics of Sexuality (New York; Monthly Review Press, 1984).

4. Lillian Faderman, Surpassing the Love of Men: Romantic Friendship and Love between Women from the Renaissance to the Present (New York: William Morrow, 1981).

5. Philip Blumstein and Pepper Schwarz, American Couples (New. York: William Morrow, 1983).

6. C. A. Tripp, The Homosexual Matrix (New York: McCraw Hill, 1975).

7. William H. Masters and Virginia Johnson, Human Sexual Inadequacy (New York: McGraw Hill, 1975).