(800)379-9220      (732)246-8439           Highland Park, Jersey City, Freehold           Margaret Nichols Ph.D., Director

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Issue 5 - March 2007

Welcome to the fifth issue of Growing Diversity, the newsletter about issues concerning sexual minorities published by the Institute for Personal Growth. In this issue we focus on the substantial civil rights and mental health gains achieved recently: a victory for the transgender community, New Jersey’s passage of a civil union bill, and the publication of a landmark book about BDSM. In addition, we have contributions from staff members and we’ve decided to repeat the publication of Dujuana Sharese’s spoken word piece because of its relevance to the L/G/B/T/Q community.

This summer we will be (finally) analyzing the data from our internet survey on male sexuality and re-analyzing the female data. If you haven’t yet taken our survey, please click on the appropriate link below and give us a boost! So far, we have probably amassed the most data ever comparing men and women of different sexual orientations. But the more surveys we have, the higher quality the research.

We hope you enjoy this issue of Growing Diversity!

Peace and love,
Margie Nichols

If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to fill out our sexuality survey:
Female Sexuality Survey               Male Sexuality Survey

In This Issue:

Trans-ported to Another Level in New Jersey
by Terry McCorkell, Co-facilitator/ Transgender Counseling Group

Civil Rights for transgender people? In New Jersey? It was something I had worked on, one way or another, since coming out of the closet as a transgender person 18 years ago. Of course back then, it was something I had only dimly envisioned and scarcely believed would or could ever be possible. I too struggled with my own internalized transphobia and self doubt. Who would ever believe that someone like me would be valued so much that the state of New Jersey would overwhelmingly pass a law to stop people from discriminating against me? Impossible! Yet we did it. An absolutely over the top victory …and IPG played a key role!

I kept expecting to hear some inspirational theme music from West Wing or Rocky as we walked through the NJ State House on December 14, 2006 for the final vote on our transequality bill. The Senate had approved the bill just a few days before. The vote was 33 to 3. Today we gathered with great anticipation to witness the vote in the General Assembly, the final vote. I met up with everyone in the balcony. Since the civil unions bill was also up for a vote that day, we had a sizable GLBTIQ contingent there, including a number of supporters from the national GLBTIQ organizations. It was a wonderful family gathering!

The session opened, a number of bills were considered and voted on, and then, after an hour or so, the Transequality bill came up on the board. We all looked at one another and whispered "This is it!" The bill was presented, they made a minor adjustment in its language, and then called for a vote. No one debated it! All of a sudden the entire NJ General Assembly was casting votes lighting up a "scoreboard " on the opposite wall. It was a landslide: 69 to 5! We did it! And it all took less than five minutes. We were jubilant!

We at GRAANJ — the Gender Rights Advocacy Association of New Jersey — had been extremely busy talking to everyone in the legislature and the Governor’s office ever since the bill was introduced in January 2005. We had made this effort our primary political focus and one of the priorities in our personal lives for several years now. We had been all over the state talking to many community organizations, both GLBTIQ and straight, secular groups and communities of faith (we had a large number of clergy supporters!), students, businesses, and members of all political parties.

IPG played a very special role in our New Jersey transgender revolution; out of the supportive environment of the IPG transgender group rose a sizable number of transgender activists who joined the fight. Their contributions were critical. In addition, Debbie and Margie, as well as every IPG therapist, proved themselves to be stalwart supporters of trans civil rights from the beginning. Thank you IPG!

On December 16, 2006, Governor Jon Corzine signed our bill into law. Our dedication to equality, dignity and justice for our transgender community had all been worth it. Somebody please pinch me, I still think I'm dreaming!

Here are some interesting facts:
• Every single Democrat in both the General Assembly and State Senate voted ‘yes’.
• A commanding majority of Republicans in both houses also voted ‘yes’.
• The New Jersey Law passed by a ratio of 10 to 1, the largest margin of victory for any state-wide transequality legislation in the nation.

Since 2000 the national civil rights movement has been pushed back by an unsympathetic federal government. However, in spite of this and against all the odds, transgender civil rights activists, along with their wonderful allies, have scored victory after victory in cities and states from coast to coast. New Jersey is now the ninth state and the third largest behind California and Illinois to enact legislation banning discrimination based on "gender identity or expression". Now one third of the U.S. population lives in areas that provide transgender civil rights.

When Your Child Is Gay: ‘Coming Out’ Advice for Parents
By Sue Menahem, L.C.S.W.

Your son or daughter sits you down and prefaces a conversation with “Mom, Dad, I’ve got something to tell you.” Depending on his or her age, at this point you’re thinking that either the car has been wrecked, he or she is failing an important subject at school, or you’re about to be hit up for a lot of money. Chances are that you’ve either dealt with something like this before as a parent, or at some point in your life you’ve sat your own parents down and prepared them for a very similar conversation.

But what if the conversation takes a sharp turn from something predictable, albeit difficult, to something you never thought you’d have to deal with? What if “Mom, Dad, I’ve got something to tell you” ends with the words “I’m gay”? Now your son or daughter is standing in front of you, awaiting some type of answer or reaction, and chances are you’re experiencing an array of emotions ranging from shock to anger to perhaps sadness and disbelief. Regardless of your child’s age and despite the fact that he or she may be an adolescent in high school or an adult with a life and family of his or her own, you can rest assured that your child’s end of this conversation has been rehearsed a million times. The bottom line is this: Even if your son or daughter suddenly seems like a complete stranger to you, you’re being asked to give one of the most important things a parent can give a child — your approval. The question is: how can you give your approval when you may not even be sure you approve?

Coming out as gay or lesbian is often an agonizing process that begins first with coming out to oneself. Before your child made the decision to come out to you, he or she spent much time questioning, considering and soul searching. Once a person is relatively sure that he or she is either gay, lesbian or bisexual, the next step in the process is to let others know. Of course, one advantage that your son or daughter had over you was the time to become comfortable with his or her sexual orientation before discussing it with you. Unfortunately for you, you are being asked to approve right on the spot. Not an easy task at all.

Any feelings of fear, confusion and doubt about your child and your own skills as a parent are completely understandable. Still, it is crucial to come to terms with and accept three very basic and important concepts:
1) Sexual orientation, while it may be fluid for some people, is never a phase or a choice.
2) There is nothing that you either did or didn’t do as a parent to yield a gay child.
3) No amount of therapy will change your child’s sexual orientation.

The truth is, your initial reaction to and feelings about your son or daughter’s coming out is not really about your child at all. Rather, these feelings are very understandably about you. Your child’s coming out not only forces your own ‘coming out’ process as a parent of a gay child, but it also begs that you reexamine your own feelings about sexual orientation. If you think about it, how do most of our feelings about sexual orientation develop? Chances are, when we were younger, either we heard derogatory opinions about sexual orientation from the adults in our lives, we’ve heard other kids using labels having to do with sexual orientation as insults or we’ve participated in the retelling of jokes slurring gay people. To begin to understand your child and what he or she is trying to communicate to you, it’s important to note that quite possibly few of your current opinions about sexual orientation stem from really knowing gay, lesbian and bisexual people and the lives they lead. Perhaps your son or daughter just may be the very best place to begin to learn about gay people.

While you may or may not initially approve of your child’s coming out, it is important to be supportive, to express your love and to acknowledge his or her bravery in choosing to come out to you. In so doing, you can also ask for some time to process the information yourself while also assuring that channels of communication remain open. Realize that if you shun this part of your child’s life, you eventually shun your child. Significant life events such as falling in love, broken hearts, and finding, celebrating and making a life with a partner will never be shared. Eventually conversations with your child will devolve to talks about insignificant topics like the weather, and your child will begin to feel isolated and rejected.

In keeping communication open, it is very appropriate to ask your child where he or she is in the coming out process and what his or her next steps are. You absolutely have the right to and are entitled to input in determining what other family members — whether nuclear or distant — will be told, when they’ll be told, how and where. The best approach for this is to design a plan together that both of you can live with. Keep in mind that requesting that other family members never be told is not only unrealistic but will result in your child’s eventually becoming an outsider within the family.

In taking your own time to process, it’s important to examine and validate any feelings you may have of sadness and grief. These feelings have nothing to do with your love for or acceptance of your child, but rather with the ending and releasing of the dreams and visions you may have held for your child. Before you can embrace your son or daughter’s homosexuality or bisexuality, you must allow yourself to release whatever images you have of his or her heterosexuality. Remember that those images were probably never a part of your child’s reality. Keep in mind that your child’s gay, lesbian or bisexual life can be just as complete and fulfilling as the heterosexual life that you envisioned. Be prepared to feel some powerful emotions. But by all means, be patient with yourself as you move through the process.

Additionally, it is wise to seek out support. Consider which of your own friends or family members you’ll tell and how you’ll go about telling them. If you feel you need support but would rather something further away from your own social circle, consider contacting the organization Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays or PFLAG. You can find them at www.PFLAG.org. Speaking with other parents who have experienced their children coming out to them will not only help to validate your own feelings but will also help you with ideas and suggestions on fully accepting your own child’s sexual orientation.

Lastly, your child may either want or expect you to move quickly through this process, to smile at public displays of affection and to act naturally around his or her boyfriend or girlfriend. In reality, you may never find yourself wearing a T-shirt that says “I Love My Gay Child” while you’re marching through the streets of New York City in a Gay Pride parade. But you can still promise yourself and your son or daughter that you will work hard on taking the next right step in accepting his or her sexual orientation and, in time, perhaps the next step and then the one after that. After all, you are just as entitled to your own ‘coming out’ process, and that process is never instantaneous.

APPROPRIATE BOOKS FOR PARENTS OF GAY CHILDREN:
• Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians & Gays Talk About Their Experiences, by Carolyn W. Griffin
• Now That You Know: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Their Gay and Lesbian Children, Updated Edition, by Betty Fairchild
• Always My Child: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered or Questioning Son or Daughter, by Kevin Jennings
• My Child Is Gay: How Parents React When They Hear the News, by Bryce McDougall
• Coming Out As Parents: You and Your Homosexual Child, by David K. Switzer

IPG NEWS:
What's New At The Institute

• We now have six AASECT-certified or certification eligible sex therapists at the Highland Park and Freehold offices of IPG, and one AASECT certified sex therapist in Jersey City.

• We have two or more practitioners trained in EMDR at all offices as well.

• Debbie Williamson, R.N., our Assistant Director, has added a special support group for post-operative transgendered people; call 800-379-9220 for info.

• Margie Nichols, Ph.D., IPG's Director, has published chapters in two books that came out in 2006: the fifth edition of Principles and Practices of Sex Therapy, edited by Sandra Leiblum, Ph.D., considered the standard text in the sex therapy field; and the landmark Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures, edited by Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D. and Charles Moser, M.D., Ph.D.

• Plans for the summer include hiring part-time staff to analyze the now-substantial body of data from our Internet Male Sexuality Study as well as re-analyze the Female Sexuality Study data now that we have over 1500 respondents.

If you haven't already done so, please take a moment to fill out our sexuality survey:
Female Sexuality Survey               Male Sexuality Survey

TO THE FAITHFUL DEPARTED:
In Memoriam to Two More Fallen Leaders
Margaret Nichols, Ph.D.

Barbara Gittings, seminal gay activist, died on Sunday, February 18, 2007 at the age of 75. Malcolm Lazin of the Equality Forum noted, “Barbara Gittings is the mother of the GLBT civil rights movement. She is our Rosa Parks.”

Barbara Gittings began her career in activism in 1958 when she founded the New York chapter of the Daughters of Bilitis (DOB), the first lesbian organization. She edited DOB’s national magazine The Ladder from 1963 to 1966. Describing those years, Gittings said, “There were scarcely 200 of us in the whole United States. It was like a club; we all knew each other.”

In 1965, Gittings marched in the first gay picket lines at the White House and other federal sites in Washington, D.C. to protest discrimination by the federal government. She joined other activists in the pioneering annual demonstrations for gay and lesbian civil rights held each July 4 from 1965 to 1969 at Independence Hall in Philadelphia. These seminal yearly protests laid the groundwork for the Stonewall rebellion in 1969 and the first New York gay pride parade in 1970.

In the 1970s, Gittings campaigned with other activists to remove homosexuality from the American Psychiatric Association’s list of mental disorders. She recruited “Dr. H. Anonymous,” a gay psychiatrist who appeared, masked, on a panel at the 1972 APA conference to tell his colleagues why he couldn’t be open in his own profession.

Gittings also crusaded to make gay literature available in libraries. Though not a librarian, Gittings found a home in the Gay Task Force of the American Library Association, the first gay caucus in a professional organization. Gittings is survived by her partner of 46 years, Kay Tobin Lahusen.

David McWhirter, M.D., a leader in research of human sexuality, died July 28, 2006. As early as the 1970s, Dr. David McWhirter was redefining attitudes toward the study of human sexuality.

“He helped demythologize sexual problems, making them legitimate issues in psychiatry,” said Dr. Igor Grant, director of the HIV Neurobehavioral Research Center at the UCSD School of Medicine.

He also did research on the dynamics of homosexual relationships in the pre-AIDS era. The research, in collaboration with his life partner, Drew Mattison, spawned a 1984 book, The Male Couple, a groundbreaking reference on issues of fidelity, monogamy and emotional attachment.

“No one had done the research before,” Dr. McWhirter told The San Diego Union-Tribune last year. “We became authorities on couples, invited to speak all over the world.” Mattison and Dr. McWhirter devoted five years of research to their book, which was translated into German and French. Videotapes of interviews they conducted with gay couples were used as teaching tools in medical school settings, and copies were sent to the Kinsey Institute at the University of Indiana.

Dr. McWhirter served on Kinsey's Science Advisory Board and was president in 1986 and 1987 of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sex. He was appointed to two statewide AIDS task forces and was named a fellow in 1985 of the American Psychiatric Association.

In December of 2006, Drew Mattison, David’s life partner of more than 35 years, died of stomach cancer. David lasted a mere seven months longer. Among Dr. McWhirter’s survivors are a son, a daughter, and three grandchildren.

BOOKS TO WATCH:
Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures
Edited by Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D. and Charles Moser, Ph.D., M.D.
2006, New York: Harrington Park Press
Reviewed by Margaret Nichols, Ph.D.

I predict that this book will mark a turning point in the way the psychiatric/mental health community views BDSM, and not because I have a chapter in it. In fact, my chapter is among the least important in the book, of interest only to clinicians who work with people from the ‘kink’ community.

In 1973 psychiatrists removed homosexuality from the ‘official’ list of mental disorders. This was the culmination of years of evidence collecting by psychologists like Evelyn Hooker and Charles Silverstein, as well as the growing importance of what was then called the “Gay Liberation Movement.”

Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures is directed towards accomplishing the same feat for people with a kink orientation. Kleinplatz and Moser have been in the forefront of a movement among professionals to remove what are known as “paraphilias” from the psychiatric list of mental disorders. The category of paraphilias is a confusing, illogical collection of so-called disorders that includes consensual sadism, masochism, and fetishism, as well as non-consensual sexual acts like pedophilia — but, irrationally, does not include violent non-consensual behaviors like rape. Many professionals argue that all consensual sexual acts between adults should be considered variations of sexuality, not psychopathologies. Those of us in this camp maintain that illnesses like sexual addiction or even obsessive compulsive disorder can include instances where BDSM goes awry; an addiction to kink, after all, is really no different than an addiction to vanilla sex.

Kleinplatz and Moser’s book contains some of the ammunition to back our challenge to the psychiatric classification system. The book includes chapters that describe subsets of the kink community, but most importantly, chapters that summarize existing research and new findings demonstrating that there is no evidence for the charge that kink is, in and of itself, pathological. BDSM participants show no greater degrees of mental disturbance than ‘vanilla’ people, no higher incidence of abuse in their backgrounds, no evidence of harm done by the sexual acts themselves. To be considered a ‘mental illness,’ a syndrome or behavior must be shown to be pathological by empirical evidence. This book demonstrates that the only reason BDSM activities are currently listed as illnesses is because of the biases of mental health practicioners themselves. It will be a powerful weapon when the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, the “Bible” of mental health, is updated in the next few years.

In addition, Kleinplatz and Moser have convincingly shown how the current classification of BDSM as pathological has harmed kinky people. It has been used to justify discrimination, harassment, and even loss of children in child custody battles. Decades ago, Thomas Szasz, in the groundbreaking book “The Myth of Mental Illness,” demonstrated how society controls those who deviate from mainstream values by labeling them ‘bad’ (criminal) or ‘mad’ (psychopathological). Kleinplatz and Moser’s book is testimony to Szasz’s theory.

Finally, the last chapter of this book, by Peggy Kleinplatz, titled “Learning from Extraordinary Lovers: Lessons from the Edge” turns the whole concept of kink-as-pathology upside down by using case examples to show how BDSM partners use their sexuality and communication skills to enhance intimacy in their relationships in ways that vanilla lovers would do well to emulate. In my opinion, this chapter should be required reading for all sex therapists, indeed, all people who counsel couples.

Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures is not an easy read. But it will be a book whose influence will extend far and for a very long time.

LGBT LEGAL NEWS:
The Middle Path: New Jersey Gets Civil Unions

As of February 19, 2007, New Jersey has become the third state to permit same-sex civil unions, with all of the rights and responsibilities of marriage — but not the title.

In the landmark case of Lewis v. Harris, decided on October 25, 2006, the New Jersey Supreme Court required the New Jersey Legislature to change state law within 180 days to afford same-sex couples the same rights as heterosexual couples. In addition, New Jersey was mandated to recognize the civil unions and same-sex marriages of other states or countries. This was the first time in the history of the United States that the highest court of any states has ruled unanimously in favor of the rights of same-sex couples. Although the decision was widely reported as a 4-3 split, in fact the only issue was whether the Supreme Court would also mandate that same-sex unions be called “marriages.”

It would have been great if New Jersey legislators had had the guts to make New Jersey the second state to legalize same-sex marriage. New Jersey gay and civil rights groups mobilized, and on December 4, 2006, State Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, himself a gay man, introduced the "Civil Marriage and Religious Protection Act" in order to implement the Court's directive to provide equal rights to same-sex couples. The New Jersey State Bar Association, an independent and highly respected body, took a formal position endorsing the Gusciora marriage bill, saying that only marriage equality would meet the standard mandated by the N.J. Supreme Court in its Lewis decision.

Gusciora’s bill, which would have provided for extension of N.J. marriage rights, benefits and responsibilities to same-sex couples, was largely ignored by New Jersey legislators. On December 14, 2006, the New Jersey Legislature passed a bill legalizing civil unions, rejecting calls to recognize "marriage" for same-sex couples, and also rejecting calls to resist the Supreme Court decision and amend the state constitution to restrict marriage-like arrangements to heterosexual couples.

In other words, the legislature decided to take the “middle road”: not catering to conservatives, but not exactly ‘doing the right thing’ either. On December 21, 2006, Governor Jon Corzine signed the bill into law, and it went into effect on February 19, 2007. Same-sex couples who enter into a civil union are provided almost all of the rights granted to married couples under New Jersey state law. However, under the current arrangement, with the federal Defense of Marriage Act or DOMA in place, "civil union partners" (as they are known under the law) do not have any right or entitlement to the 1,138 rights that a married couple has under federal law.

While municipal offices were generally closed on February 19 for the President's Day holiday, several communities did accept applications for civil union licenses on that date. After midnight, same-sex couples lined up in municipal offices across the state to apply for union licenses. Most of them had to wait three days — just like heterosexual couples — to receive their licenses and formalize the action with a commitment ceremony. But, according to an interpretation of the law announced Feb. 16 by Attorney General Stuart Rabner, same-sex couples married or civilly united in other states could have their relationships recognized immediately.

Therefore, the first couple married under the law in New Jersey was a couple previously joined in civil union in Vermont. According to the New York Times, New Jersey's first legal civil-union ceremony took place at 12:01 a.m. on Feb. 19 in Teaneck, between Steven Goldstein and Daniel Gross. Goldstein, the head of Garden State Equality, and Gross had already entered into a civil union in Vermont.

POETRY IN EMOTION:
"Salvation: In Memory of Mesh"
By Dujuana Sharese

She considered it the deal of a life time

It was the perfect arrangement

One He could not refuse

Flawless, well planned, scribed with honest intent
   No small print
   No need for lawyer review

Quid Pro Quo for her Soul

She bargained for her life, pleaded…
   She needed to teach them economics
    Teach them self love
    Teach them self sufficiency

She bargained for her life
   To see them mature

She bargained and pleaded, screaming action for reaction
   Dipped her being in holy water
   To cleanse the congestion in her ears

And the congregation saaaid…
   Live by the manual
   Live right
   Then you will be sure to meet Christ

The bills come at the beginning of the month
   These are the files to checking, saving, and mutual funds
   Keep the house clean
   Believe in Christ
   Wear a condom
   Protect one another
   Don’t lose yourself in a lover

And the congregation saaaid…
Gurl, you better act proper
Don’t you want to live in the Kingdom?
All you need is a bible and a good man
Then He will be sure to open the gates of eternal Freedom

For the congregation saaaid…
   Tithing will reap benefits in 7 fold…

All she could think of was seeing her children turn 18 yrs old

For the congregation saaaaiddd
   Wear skirts
   Don’t curse
   Live right
   Love Christ
   Don’t Sin

All she could think about was did I take 12 or 13 pills in the cocktail of medicine

She Listened.

While her body weight decreased

She Listened.

While she searched for comfort
As her organs rejected in boisterous demonstrations

She could only assume
She would be watching from a distance soon

Lawd
As you know I have done things
To the best of my ability
For I needed to feed my seeds
Some were unlawful
But I did it to honor the cohesiveness of my family

Lawd
Please listen…
I got the greatest deal for you
One you have never heard before

Lawd
This is a supreme arrangement…

I will never ever sleep with a woman again
I promise to condemn
Homosexuality with ever ounce of venom
If you allow me see my kids turn 18
Before you call me to heaven


I promise
I won’t renege
I promise
To be obedient
I promise…


         God see how strong my kids are
       They are all set to start college in 90 days
            I instilled your name
         My Family will take care of them
         Until you bring them back to their
              Mother again


Dujuana Sharese
2007

IPG STAFF EDITORIAL
Transsexuals: the New “Gay”
Debbie Williamson, R.N.
Assistant Director

Do you remember 20 or 30 years ago, when you didn't know anyone that was gay? Or you were gay in those days, and didn't dare come out to your friends or family for fear of being thought of as some kind of monster? Today, that same kind of prejudice is going on but it's affecting a new population: transsexuals, those whose transgendered feelings are strong enough so that they feel it is necessary to change their bodies to conform to their self-identity.

What is transsexuality? Think of it as a gender variation that starts before birth. It appears that in the womb, a certain amount of hormones is given out at a critical time and the cells of the brain get a different signal than the physical body. This means if it's a baby boy anatomically, the chemical signal to the brain gets the signals for a female brain. If it's a baby girl anatomically, this same thing happens in reverse. When the baby is born, there are no obvious signs that there is anything different about the child. But slowly, as he or she grows, the child's brain is thinking as a different sex than it looks physically, and mentally feels absolutely wrong. Simply, this is what "makes" a transsexual. These people, for as long as they can remember, for the most part, have always wished they were the other sex. They have thought about being the other sex constantly, have tried to push these thoughts out of their heads obsessively, have pushed themselves into their careers 24/7 to avoid life, have isolated themselves, have become substance abusers — anything to avoid what they are, until they can't go on another moment and decide to transition to their "rightful" sex.

Many of us watched the TV show "Soap" in the 70s with Billy Crystal playing Jody, a cross-dressing sexually ambiguous character — basically for the laughs. Or maybe you remember Renee Richards in the 70s on the tennis circuit, or even Christine Jorgensen back in the 50s — basically the first well known transsexual. These people are all transgendered. Recently, perhaps, you saw the HBO movie Normal or TransAmerica at the movies. Again, all about the transgendered population. I am here to ask you to open your minds and hearts to these individuals.

I have run a transgendered support group for the past five years. I began it purely to help a population that has been under-served. It has been a life-changing experience for me. My group is a mix of transgendered folks, but for this article I am going to focus on those who are either "male-to-female" (biological men who are meant to be women), or “female-to-male” (biological females who are meant to be men). Let me share with you — all names and situations have been changed for privacy — some of my friends from this group.

I can speak about Mary, Joan or Linda. I'm going to lump these women together because they are all similar in their story. Each was born male, tried hard to fit into a male persona, and each went to college, got married and had children. Each is college educated and have worked for fifteen years or more at good jobs. They struggled with this issue all of their lives, sadly, depressed, but tried really hard to fit into their male lives, until they just couldn't do it any longer. Many have told me that for them it's either begin transitioning or die. All three have now fully transitioned, which means they are on hormones, have been honest at work and to family and friends and have had all surgeries necessary. Two are divorced, and out of these two one has a good relationship with her children, one does not. The third is currently staying with her wife as "sisters" because as they both say, "they've been in love and best friends for the past 25 years, and this isn't going to change that."

Or perhaps I should tell you about John, a female-to-male who works in education. He began his transition 4 years ago. John is currently still working at the same profession, has a girlfriend, and is happier than he's ever been.

Or there are people in my group — sales people, postal workers, accountants, truck drivers — who for one reason or another are at various stages of this transition. Some cross-dress (dress in some or all of the opposite sex’s clothing for any amount of time from five minutes to 24/7), some are on hormones, some just "feel like the other sex". All are lovely people with hearts and minds and skills, and because of what they've gone through they have a certain degree of perseverance that many people don't have, in my opinion.

It's hard for me to put into words what working with and having friends in this community has taught me. But the prejudice and misunderstanding that this population feels is saddening. I will guess that soon, if not already, you are going to run into a transsexual — a coworker, a friend, a family member, an acquaintance — who you will find is on some part of this transgendered road. I am asking you to open your mind and hearts to these individuals. I did, and it was one of the top achievements of my life.