Ladies, I’ve got some good news and some bad news... Bad news first. Lesbian bed death is certainly a phenomenon that is alive and well among lesbian couples. The good news is that the death of lesbian beds is not necessarily the eventual conclusion to the statement ‘your place or mine?’ The bad news is that keeping our beds hopping just may require a bit of work; but, then again there’s the good news that... sex is fun!!! To keep lesbian beds alive, or in breathing (heavily – all pun intended) life back into our sex, there are a few things we need to understand first.

In The Beginning...
We met, we dated, we fell in love (some of us fell in love after the first date ... but that is a topic for yet another article!), we enjoyed hot passionate sex and then gradually, things slowed down, time passed and apparently so did our beds. If we were paying any attention at all, we found ourselves scratching our heads and wondering what went wrong. Where’s the romance? Where’s the passion? What happened to that incredible and insatiable desire to above all else, get her into your bed?

Well, during the first 6 months to 2 years of any romantic relationship we are actually enjoying a phase called limerance. In limerance, a chemical called PEA is produced that is responsible for the intense passion, the rose colored world and the heightened sense that our partner is a perfect being that can do no wrong. More importantly, PEA increases our level of sexual desire . Sadly, nobody has found a way to bottle PEA and when our feet return back to planet earth, we are left with both our partner’s and our own natural sense of sexual desire. If you think back to the beginning of any romantic relationship that you’ve had, you can easily spot the time when PEA was making its exit. So, when limerance is at its end, what sparks our natural sense of sexual desire?

Back To The Basics...
Sexually, women are very different from men (I know, tell us something we don’t already know!) Quick, take a guess .... What percentage of women think about sex more than once a week? If you guessed anything above 10%, you’re wrong. Moreover, about 50% of women think about sex less than once a month. A large part of the reason for this is that the hormone directly linked to sexual desire in both men and women is testosterone, and sisters, we have only about 10% of the testosterone levels that the men have.

Because women are so differently wired than men, we’ve got to begin looking at sex from a more female perspective. There is something else that drives women sexually and a slight change in perspective can do amazing things for a dwindling sex life. For us, the onset of sexual desire occurs less in the crotch and more in the mind. If we are waiting for our bodies to tell us we want sex, we may be in store for a very long wait. It is up to us to jumpstart our own body which will heighten our level of sexual desire.

Out With The Old And In With The New...
The first step in gaining a clearer perspective is to dispose of some really old and tired sexual myths.

*Sex should be spontaneous. If you have to plan a time for sex, it isn’t real. I don’t know about you, but any time I’ve looked forward to something it only heightened my desire for it. Women have to be more mentally ready for sex than men. This means that for many of us, if there are still 400 things left to be done before getting into bed we are not getting into bed. If we are getting into bed, it’s to get a good night’s sleep so we can wake up early enough to tackle those 400 things. Set aside time for sex. Make a sexual date with your partner. This way, there is time to do everything else that has to be done so you and your partner can devote your attention to each other. Making a date also gives you time to prepare the scene. If your partner is into music, candles, flowers etc., you’ll have time to do it up. Remember, more often than not, we are going to be jump starting our bodies for sex with our thoughts. Atmosphere is essential.

*My partner should just know what I want sexually. I shouldn’t have to tell her. Where is it written that when you fall in love your partner automatically becomes psychic and knows exactly what you want? Move over Dionne Warwick! If your partner ordered for you every time you went out for dinner without consulting you, how often would she be right? Communication about what you each enjoy sexually is essential. If you are embarrassed talking about it, write it down in a letter or send it in an email. If your partner’s repertoire consists of things that do nothing for you sexually, you will disconnect from your body and eventually lose interest in sex. Talk talk talk talk talk!!!!

*There is no need for masturbation when you are in a relationship. Nothing can be further from the truth. One thing that increases sexual desire is sex... with your partner or with yourself. Masturbation is essential for helping you get in touch with your own body to figure out just what it is that you like so you can (you guessed it!) talk to your partner about it.

*If we both don’t have an orgasm than it isn’t real sex. Back to the restaurant.... If you are going out to dinner with your partner and after you order the dinner special with soup, salad, entrée and dessert your partner decides she isn’t hungry and just orders a salad does that mean it wasn’t real dinner??? “Sex” ends with an “x” and not with an “orgasm.” If your partner doesn’t feel the need or desire to have an orgasm, don’t force it. An orgasm is not the sole indication that your partner enjoyed having sex with you. If that’s the case than how do you know she’s enjoying it? I don’t know, how about ... um... talking???

*If we both aren’t in the mood for sex than we shouldn’t have any. Chances are that you and your partner have a different level of sexual desire which is going to result in one of you wanting sex more often. Nothing is worse for a relationship than constantly having your sexual advances rejected. If you are simply not in the mood for sex, there is absolutely nothing wrong with either holding and caressing your partner while she is masturbating or in taking a few minutes to sexually satisfy your partner and then snuggling up to sleep. What better way is there to really show your partner that you love her? If we don’t loosen our definitions of what sex is or isn’t, we eventually strangle the life right out of our sex.

On A More Personal Note (as if all this stuff wasn’t personal already!!)
Contrary to popular belief, you are responsible for your own orgasm. This means getting to know your body, staying connected to the sexual sensations that either excite it or produce orgasm and communicating all of this to your partner (is anybody sensing a theme here?) If you are finding that your own level of sexual desire has significantly deceased, there are things that you can do to heighten it.

If you are one of those women who rarely think about sex spontaneously, it is time to incorporate fantasy into your every day. Take time out at least twice a day to sexually fantasize. You create the scene, incorporate whatever you like and let your mind wander. Get in touch with your body sensations and what you find enjoyable. Using body lotion on yourself in a sensual way is a great technique for this.

If you notice a dramatic decrease in your sense of sexual desire in a relatively short period of time, contact your gynecologist to have your hormone levels tested. Even a slight drop in testosterone levels can decrease sexual desire in a woman. It is possible to have your gynecologist prescribe a low dose of testosterone for you. Another alternative for increasing sex drive is DHEA, which is a supplement that breaks down as testosterone and estrogen and can be found in any health food store. As always, before taking any supplement, check with your primary care physician first.

In addition, side effects of some antidepressants include decreased sexual desire. Women experiencing this can speak to their prescribing physician for a possible change in medication.

Lastly, body image is also a contributing factor to low sexual desire. Simply put, if a woman isn’t feeling sexy, than she is not going to feel sexual. It is important to treat ourselves and our partners with care and help to maintain a positive body image. Remember, it isn’t so much how you look as it is how you feel. Negative remarks about your own or your partner’s body can do a lot of damage. In helping each other maintain a positive body image focus more on health and less on the numbers that the scale is telling you. Compliment each other. Get out of that rut and wear something a bit more enticing to bed than flannels and sweat socks. With all of that having been said ....

Let’s Talk About Sex...
Well, we finally got here... We’re talking with our partners, we’re making dates with each other, we’re fantasizing, we’re setting the scene... all well and good. Here is a question. If I really love pepperoni pizza and I eat it for every meal, 3 times a day, 7 days a week 4 weeks a month, how sick of pepperoni pizza am I going to be? Regardless of what has turned both you and your partner on in the past, if you don’t mix it up a bit you will get bored and loose interest in sex.

Fantasy during sex is not an indication that you are not interested in your partner. It is simply another way to heighten sexual desire and arousal. As long as it is safe and consensual, don’t be afraid to incorporate fantasy, role play, toys, porn, erotica, videos, different locations, scenes, positions, props or whatever it may be into your sex life. There is a tremendous amount of erotica for women available on the Internet. If your partner suggests something that you feel you will not enjoy. Don’t balk or embarrass her, simply let her know in a gentle way that you don’t think it will enhance your sexual appetite. If you feel sheepish about bringing new things up, have both you and your partner write down three sexual things that you’ve either read about or heard about; and then discuss your willingness to try whatever it was that was written down.

Sex can be an intimate part of any loving relationship. It is not an indication of the amount of love in a relationship, but rather an aspect of a love relationship. Sexual frequency depends on the two people involved in the relationship. There are happy and loving couples who rarely have sex at all. Low frequency is only a problem if one or both of the people involved in the couple feel like it is a problem. That having been said, whether you are having sex once a day or once a year, be adventurous, be kind, be caring, be loving, be intimate, be sexy, be exciting but most of all... be communicating every step of the way.